Thursday, 22 August 2013

Trying DESPERATELY to be normal

Hello all!

As you know, Bumbaleerie Mansions is the Buck Pal of Central Scotland and I love it with my entire face, but it is a tad high-maintenance. We have people here fixing things all the time. ALL THE TIME. Today, we are having more work done. I should say now that the people who are here today are the nicest people we've ever had working in the crib, they really are lovely. This post is not a reflection on them AT ALL. But it is challenging for me in many ways to have strangers in the house, because I have to try and pretend to be normal. Now! Usually, this is not a problem. I have managed to convince many, many tens of people over the years that I am a normal person. Sadly, at nine months preggers, this skill has deserted me. Here are some things I do in my daily (maternity-leave) life that I imagine most people do not do:

1. I sit upside down, with my legs up the wall, due to having the most ginormous ankles. I don't think this actually does anything, but it makes me feel proactive. I feel like I cannot do this with people in the house.

2. I chain-drink tea. I put one out and spark up the kettle again. It's not normal, except in my extended family, where it is totally normal, and you are a wimp if you can't handle forty cups a day.

3. Due to the perfect one, I have the most horrific heartburn (aside: our baby has TONNES of hair, we saw it on the scan. He/she's already got a mohawk!) and I'm just TOO BUSY to carefully measure the Gaviscon every time so.....and I'm not proud of this....I just swig it out the bottle. I'm worried that if they see me doing this, they'll phone....I dunno....the police or someone and shop me for being on the hard stuff. 

4. I knit all the time. No, that's a lie. I knit in SHORT BURSTS and then leave it lying behind me. I have a criminally short attention span, so there's wool everywhere, like in the bathroom and in the garden. Husband finds this very endearing (false).

Not to mention:

5. I have lost the ability to make conversation with strangers. You know how, when you're at work, you're introduced to someone who you have NOTHING in common with, but you have to crack on because that's your job? So you have to be all 'so, do you live close by? Oh, Outer Mongolia? That's handy for work!' etc? I have lost this now. I try so hard to make small talk, so I'll maybe think of a funny story about the stupid cat which in my head is very funny and endearing. But it ends up coming out as 'Look! My cat is stupid and other one is unfriendly! Hahahahahahaa!' then wandering off. It's dreadful.

6. My memory, never brilliant, has now left me completely. We were buying some baby junk the other day, and for some reason we had to give our address (why have shops started doing this now?)  - I had not a clue what number we lived at. I gave her the postcode, she told me the street, I nodded, and she said 'Which number of Bumbaleerie Avenue?' and I just stared at her. 'Em. What are the options?' I asked. 'Um, there are quite a few' she said, 'what end do you live at? Is it a high number?' 'I dunno.' I said. 'Wait and I'll get my husband' and Husband had to come along and save me. Even typing this now, I had to pause to think about it. The number is on the front door, if I get really stuck. But she clearly thought I was some kind of burgling terrorist address pretender! Hideous. And it's the same when I'm actually IN my house. Husband has moved my car a few doors up to let the people into the drive, and I went to the shop earlier and wandered right past. Right past my own crib! And they keep asking things like 'where's the bathroom?' and I just point vaguely upstairs and wish them well. It's torture.

ANYWAY! Some making news! I finished the cardi lo!

 What an amazing picture that is. Anyway, apart from the buttons, it is done! So you know what that means! MOAR KNITTING!

That was yesterday, this is today:

I think you'll agree that if I continue at this speed, the jumper will be finished in no time! Probably in time for the baby to start university! Also, when I was taking this picture, one of the men walked in and it probably looked like I was photographing my couch. Sigh. That's not a normal thing to do, is it? Gaaaah, this is ghastly.

Husband is aware of my new-found awkwardness around strangers, and I think it worries him a bit because when he left this morning, he said 'Just.......just.....just.......TRY TO LEAVE THEM ALONE, will you? Remember, they're working, they don't want to be interrupted every five minutes.' and I winked at him and said 'You betcha guvna! I'll just axe them if they'z wantin' a cuppa!' then I did a wee sailor's jig through to the kitchen but then I FORGOT to put my normal accent back on and ended up asking them if they wanted 'a brewsky' and how long they'd 'been in this crazy game we call plumbing'. By the time I got back to the living room, Husband was hiding his face in a cushion, and kind of...groaning. 'Please just leave them alone, please just let them get on with it' he pleaded. 'Please. We need to get it done today'. I was still mortified by the frat-boy persona that I'd manage to adopt in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen so I just nodded silently and switched the laptop on. And that's how I got to this point in my life.

Monday, 19 August 2013

The one with all the baby updates

Hello chaps!

I'm so sorry I've been off the blogging network for so long, but I have many, many reasons for to why. These reasons are tenfold, but here's two of them:

1. My computer and laptop BOTH gave up the ghost
2. So did my camera

And I don't know if you've ever tried blogging with no camera or computer, but let me tell you Chinas, it is not easy. I even tried doing it on the iPad but the blogger app suh-hucks and I couldn't get it to go right. But yesterday me and husband finally bit the bullet and shot (hahaha!) out to buy a new laptop and lo! Less than twenty-four hours later and I'm back in the bosom of the blogsphere. And what a lovely bosom it is too.

So, a quick update on the ol' pregnancy! First, to set the scene, here's a picture of me a week ago:

Yes, I am a whole week more pregnant now, taking me up to 36 weeks tomorrow. Sorry that this is such a rubbish picture, Husband has this stupid rule where he'll only take one picture and if it's rubbish then too bad. And husband is good at a great, great number of things but taking pictures is not one of them. Anyway, am I not GINORMOUS? Really starting to feel like a beached whale.But I am not complaining chaps, not at all, because I have had the easiest pregnancy in the entire universe. No joke, it's been a complete doddle. Probably because I'm carrying the most perfect babe in the entire universe.

So husband and I have mainly been decorating and buying things for the future King (or Queen) of the Universe. You would not believe how much stuff something so very little needs, it is mental. Now, Bumbaleerie Mansions is in a horrendous state at the moment due to all the re-jigging of all the rooms, so forgive these hideous pictures. First, the Moses Basket!

That is in our newly decorated bedroom, and I love it with my whole soul. I wish I could fit in it, it would be lovely to be rocked to sleep. Next, the high chair!

I know you're thinking, why would you even bother taking a picture as rubbish as that? I know. But I can't bear to take the plastic wrapping off in case it gets dirty so I've just peeled it back a bit so you can see THE COOLEST HIGH CHAIR IN THE WORLD DOT COM. It's chrome and leather, oh yes, this baby is STYLISH. Next, a present from Auntie Sister! (My sister, obviously, not the baby's)

It's a little....em...something.....babygrow?...can't remember, with LITTLE TORTOISES ON IT! And it's TITCHY, I don't even think anything will be small enough to fit in here! Quick aside, Sister has been knitting up a storm for the baby, honestly you wouldn't believe how much knitting Sister and Len have done for Baby Bumbaleerie, it's like a wool shop in their crib. Anyhoo, Sister started knitting about five minutes ago and she is the most perfect knitter in the entire world. Her tension is PERFECT, she chooses excellent colours and she's got a knack for picking the coolest, comfiest patterns in the world. She's so annoying. And LEN, the fabulous LEN, has knitted a shawl! And it's so gorgeous, I'll get a picture up here of it soon, but it's massive and perfect, and so soft, and the baby is so lucky to get it. It's a real heirloom.

And I've been knitting too! It's very difficult when you don't know what flavour of baby you're having so I've been trying to knit a mixture of stuff. I'm so close to being finished this one:

But not close enough that it's finished in time for this post being published.

Hmm, so what else? Well, I turned twenty-eight last week (gaaaaahhh! Twenty-eight!) which was hideous, but better than turning twenty-seven for some reason. And I got a lovely present from Len and Roy and Sister:

But it's no ordinary handbag, oh no! It's a changing bag! Isn't it cool? And you'd never guess that it was a changing bag, never in a million years. Which is exactly what I wanted, because changing bags are SPECTACULARLY naff.

And also, Len made me a birthday cake. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the story of the woman who tried to make a hedgehog cake for her daughter's birthday and it was so scary that the children at the party started to cry - if not, find it here. Anyway, I was plunged into hilarity for several days when I first saw it and sent it to everyone I know. So Len, for she is truly Len the Magnificent, made me this:

Happy, happy days!