Monday, 30 July 2012

Finish ALL the things?

Hello chaps. It might surprise you to learn that I am not a particularly organised person. It's partly because I like STUFF and partly because of my criminally short attention span. So, I look at my massive pile of STUFF and think, Right! I iz organises! I iz puttin' that THERE! I iz now putting that thing THERE! I iz now bored, and am wandering off in search of something else to do.

And this short attention span sadly is reflected in the making. So I come home from a lovely day shopping and I'm all 'Husband! Look at this mad fabric! I'm going to make an apron with it and put it on ebay and it'll sell for a million pounds and then we'll be RICH and then we can give up working for evah! But first, I'm going to wander over here for a bit and play with the cat.' So, as a result, I've got a stash of fabric that would make John Lewis HIMSELF weep. And also, loads of unfinished knitting hiding behind things. And, even though I've got a hundred million appropriate knitting holders, for some reason I always put my knitting in plastic carrier bags. So, as I type this, there's a massive accessorize bag behind the cuddler which is hiding Husband's unfinished jumper.

See, I had this brilliant idea of knitting husband a jumper because I'd knitted LOADS of baby jumpers for friends and I thought, oh Husband would just LOVE a jumper made by the delicate hands of his magnificent wife. So I bought all the wool - lovely, Sirdar, tweedy-type, blue and gray, goes very well with the eyes of Husband - and a easy pattern, and new pins and got STARTED! And at first I was all 'CLACKITY-CLACK oh KNITTY KNITTY taptaptaptap happy happy lalalala, knitting away...' and then I realised I'd been knitting for A THOUSAND YEARS and the jumper was barely even three inches of stocking-stitch. And THAT is when I realised that Husband is much, much bigger than the average child. He's properly a GIANT compared to the average baby. So logically, his jumper will take much, much longer to knit. And I started to resent him for it. I would be all knitting away, glaring at Husband every so often and thinking 'Look at him, sitting there, probably growing BY THE SECOND and I've got to knit this huge stupid GIGANTIC jumper that'll take a MILLION YEARS. Probably the SLEEVES will take A HUNDRED YEARS each and he won't even LIKE it by then.' And Husband would look up at me and blow me a kiss and I would smile tightly back at him. And then I stopped knitting it, and hid it behind the cuddler. It's probably a bit dusty by now, actually.

Anyway, that was a massive diversion but here is THE POINT. I have made a pledge to finish the things before starting the new things. I thought I'd start with a jumper that I had promised to a friend's baby. The baby will be three in January, so the jumper will be much, much too small. But! I thought, I'll crack into that. So I was looking for it, and instead found a million other unfinished things including a teeny tiny jumper that I'd started when I was round vistin' Len and Roy. I was all bored and sloping round their house, and I said to Len 'I've forgotten my knitting, and that's what I'd like to do just now' and she was all 'I've got spare wool and an easy baby pattern if you fancy that?' and I was all 'HELZ TO THE YEZ LEN GOODMAN!' so I started it. And then I got home and abandoned it. And then I found it and STARTED IT AGAIN. And I'm nearly done. Here's how it looked when I found it:

And here's how it looks now:

GETTING THERE! Don't ask me what I'm going to do with it, I have no idea. Sometimes hospitals need things for premature babies, don't they? I might send it to them although they might send it back because it's a bit wonky. I'll think about it.

P.S. Husband just came up behind me and pointed at the screen (quite accusingly, I thought) and said 'Yes! I remember that jumper! Get it finished!' I probably will never, ever finish that jumper so I just pretended to be French until he went away. Which worked, actually. 

P.P.S. I think I've broken the Curse of the Unlucky Pajoojes. Nothing bad happened when I wore them, and nothing bad has happened since. Phew!

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

The Unlucky PJs

Hello. I have a grave topic to share with you today, Chinas. The Curse of the Unlucky PJs. Here they are: *WARNING! DON'T LOOK AT THEM IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT BAD LUCK*

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'those don't look so bad!'. They are, my friends. THEY ARE. Here's a list of bad things that have happened whilst they have been adorning my person:

1. I wore them when I stayed over at my friend's house. My friend then moved to Singapore.

2. I was wearing them whilst skipping down the stairs in Bumbaleerie Mansions and I tripped over the stupid cat and broke my neck. Nearly.

3. Every time I wear them I spill wine on them. And let me tell you, no matter NO MATTER how hard you suck, you CANNOT get all the wine back out of them.

4. When I bought them, Husband and I got into a HUGE fight on the way home from the shops over how much I'd spent. Coincidence?

5. I was wearing them when I realised the tadpoles had been eaten.

There's more, but the above have probably shocked you too much for me to continue so I won't. But I trust you are suitably convinced that these PJs are unlucky.

But I'm trying to break their unluckiness. I'm away from the Bumbaleerie crib at the mo so I decided to bring them with me. I phoned Husband.

Me: Husband it's me.
Husband: Hello, light of my life! What are you...
Me: Let's forgo the Oxbridge pleasantries. I'm phoning with important information regarding the unlucky PJs. Do you think I should pack them and try to break the unluckiness? Or play it safe and wear some luckier peejoojes?
Husband: Well, I don't believe in Unlucky PJs so....
Me: That's ridiculous reasoning. I don't believe in Evil Mexican Vampire Goats, but we know THEY exist.
Husband: *silenced by this completely valid point, no matter what he says later*
Me: Yes. So should I take them? Or be safe?
Husband: You decide. Listen, I really do have to go back to work now.
Me: *huffy now* O-KAY-UH! I was just CHECKING-UH

So I've brought them. But I'm maybe cheating a bit, cos I've got another pair of pajayjays that I might wear if I decide that unluckiness is not something you can break. But I'm trying to be brave, so I might wear them. But then again, I might not.

IN OTHER NEWS: I've started making a new dress, YAAAS. I went to the Canary Islands and now my skin is peeling off. I lost four and a half pounds on holiday, and I don't know where it went (four and a half pounds in weight, not in Scottish Yen) and Husband lost three. How? Dunno. I have taught the unfriendly cat how to say please (FACT). I can now run almost my whole running route (just under four miles) without stopping. I found a lovely nail varnish topcoat that costs less than a pound (Scottish Deutsche Mark, not weight) and it makes nail varnish last for ONE HUNDRED YEARS. AND the Bumbaleerie Sweetpeas are BLOOMING!

Monday, 9 July 2012

It's fun to shop at the E.B.A.Y

Just one word, fellas: HOT PINK TREWS! Yaaass!

So for ages and ages I was all 'I'd really like a pair of hot pink kegs but I'm worried I'll look like a tool' and Husband always nodded and said 'Yes, that's absolutely what you would look like.' And we agreed, and did a special handshake and everything. So, you can imagine Husband's delight when he came home and I was wearing THESE bad boys! 'WHAT. AM. THOSE?!' he shrieked manfully. Husband's grammar tends to desert him when he's surprised. 'THESE AM MY NEW KEGS!' I yelled back in ecstatic delight. 'I LOVE THEM WITH MY ENTIRE FACE! Plus, I am thinking that hot pink is now a neutral because these fellas go with everything!' Husband was not as thrilled as you would expect, and started going on about money and other irrelevant whitterings so I just thought about my new trews until he was done. And then I said:

'I Got Them On Ebay!'

I Got Them (It) on Ebay, or as it shall now be known IGTOE (partly for speed, partly for megalolz) is a phrase that Husband hears a lot from me. It is normally in response to the question 'How much was (were) that (those) item (s)?' and tends to be followed by 'That's because no-one in their right mind would buy that (those) from an actual shop' but he is WRONG and also FALSE because I am totally the last person on this EARTH to start wearing brightly-coloured leg garments and I told him that and he said 'right then'. So I won.

Until we had this conversation:

Me: Husband, I'm going to invest in some rubber footwear. Rubber footwear is useful for many reasons and I have prepared a brief powerpoint presentation to highlight these reasons.

Husband: *wearily* Can you not just buy them without telling me the reasons?

Me: Probably, but I've prepared the powerpoint and everything now so.....

Husband: Can you summerise the reasons?

Me: If y'like. ONE - They are waterproof, so extremely handy for gardening and also living in Scotland. TWO - They are comfortable, allowing me to wear them with anything, to any occasion. THREE -  even though they come in a variety of colours, I have chosen a neutral pair because I am sensible.

Husband: You are a grown woman, buy whatever shoes you like with the money you work very hard to earn (Ha! Husband would never say this, he only says things like 'oh, we have to pool our money to pay the mortgage or we'll be homeless' and other such trivialities)

Anyway, you can't say he wasn't warned. I put a lot of effort and research into this AND STILL Husband was less than thrilled when I came home with:

Vivienne Westwood Melissa Lady Dragons, which are made from bubblegum scented rubber. You tell me, YOU TELL ME, that these are not THE MOST amazing shoes you have ever seen with your own two een (EEN: A Scottish word meaning 'eye' or 'eyes' for those of you who are still developing their Scottish lexicon).

Husband said 'WHAT. THE. RUDE WORD. ARE THEM?' and I said 'I told you I was buying them! We agreed! They're SENSIBLE!' and he said 'How much?' and I said 'IGTOE' and he said 'Oh, right. I love them, you made totally the correct decision. Well done!' (FALSE)

Anyway, he's been proved wrong because I have worn them several times. And it has rained non-stop in Scotvegas for the last twenty years so it's handy to have shoes you can wipe dry. But the good thing about all the rain is: the garden is SPLENDID! So yesterday I donned my sensible rubber footwear and went out and picked a pile of these:

Sweet peas. Oh, nice!